Living and Dying Every Year

by Edie Tsong

When I was 46 the wind blew the dust off my face. I saw myself clearly. 
When I was 45 I became intimate with darkness. 
When I was 44 I found a place in the community.
When I was 43 I only knew myself in relation to others. 
When I was 42 I awoke to the racing of my heart. 
When I was 41 I let the stars and planets guide me.
When I was 40 I couldn’t wait for my morning coffee in a handmade mug.
When I was 39 I stayed at home. 
When I was 38 I gave birth to a beautiful being.
When I was 37 I followed the path before me however foggy.
When I was 36 I gave myself away. 
When I was 35 I didn’t know boundaries.
When I was 34 I was surprised by the person I saw in the mirror. 
When I was 33 I fell in love with a ghost beast.
When I was 32 I felt the magic of my ideas come to life.
When I was 31 my identity mutated with each interaction. 
When I was 30 I blew out the candles of two cakes at once.
When I was 29 I left the mountains for the swamps. 
When I was 28 I felt beauty and pain from inanimate objects. 
When I was 27 I pretended to study so I could play.
When I was 26 I wandered begrudgingly. 
When I was 25 I struggled with obstacles I could not name.
When I was 24 I drank and danced all night long. 
When I was 23 I circumambulated a holy city. 
When I was 22 I wanted to be alone.
When I was 21 I took flight when they chased me.
When I was 20 I wasn't bothered by what people said. 
When I was 19 I stopped wearing my glasses because the world was sharp.
When I was 18 I took the stairs daily to the 15th floor.
When I was 17 I ran as far as I could.
When I was 16 I said no.
When I was 15 I obsessed over my appearance. 
When I was 14 I searched for a best friend.
When I was 13 I imagined a better life as an adult.
When I was 12 I felt like a person.
When I was 11 I time-travelled in my spaceship igloo.
When I was 10 I made a plan to run away.
When I was 9 I imagined dramas as I played the piano. 
When I was 8 I did everything correctly.
When I was 7 I was tall enough to reach the sink.
When I was 6 I understood linear time.
When I was 5 I spun as fast as I could til I fell. 
When I was 4 I confided in my wool doll, Yoshiko. 
When I was 3 a supernatural wave washed over me.
When I was 2 I understood there to be more than one language. 
When I was 1 I felt the world open up as I stood on two strong legs.
Before I was 1, I marveled beneath the dappled light of a tree. I was safe.

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Edie Tsong is an artist/writer activist whose projects explore how we connect with one another. She is a board member of New Mexico Literary Arts, the founding director of Cut+Paste Society, and the director of Snow Poems Project. 
www.edietsong.com
www.cargocollective.com/plainsong
www.snowpoemsproject.com